c7

"Oh, Jules, he's very nice. But unfortunately, he's just not my type."
"Is that windburn on your face?"
Cassie touched her tender cheeks. "Uh-huh. Maybe some sun."
"You look kind of…healthy. Or something."
"Do I?" she asked. "Well, it gets pretty windy and sunny out there, on a bike for two days." And beside the fire, she thought. Kissing and cuddling with a whiskery man all night. A man she was sorry wasn't going to be around much longer.
 
Billy came home from the fire department in the middle of the afternoon. He went to the kitchen and threw some forms on the counter, then sat down at the table. He could hear Jules in the bedroom with Clint and Stephie—it sounded as if they were just getting up from quiet time or naps or something. There was the sound of small children's laughter and his wife snuggling them, singing little songs, laughing and tickling. Obviously there was some bed jumping going on—that would be Clint. Billy's shoulders shook with laughter. He was a live wire.
The sounds of his wife and children brought a sentimental ache to his throat. She complained about all these crazy surprise pregnancies and he didn't blame her, but she was so good with the kids, the family. It was as if she was born to do this. Even in the hardest of times, she nurtured and cared for them as though they were the only things that mattered in her life. It wasn't as if he had much of an impact; he was hardly around. It was all her, and she was amazing. So strong and beautiful and wise.
He'd just come from a two-hour meeting with the financial counselor and wanted to talk to Julie before going back to work. The guy had declared her a genius—said it looked as though she'd kept the wolf from the door a couple of years longer than should have been possible. It must have been like carrying a hundred-pound boulder on her back every day. She deserved so much better….
"Daddy!" Stephie screamed when she saw him, racing into his arms. "Daddy!"
It almost brought tears to his eyes, the way they loved him. He wasn't sure he deserved this kind of adoration from his kids. What had he done for them lately?
"What are you doing home?" Julie asked, coming from the bedroom with her arms full of kids' dirty clothes.
He gave Stephie a loud smack on the cheek and let her climb down, sending her off with a gentle whack on the butt. She ran into the family room and bounded over the back of the old sofa. Billy put his elbows on his knees, clasped his hands in front of him and, head lowered, he said, "I have to talk to you, Jules."
"Jeez," she said, looking at him in worried confusion. "You get fired or something?"
He straightened. "Get rid of that laundry and come here a minute, baby."
She dumped the clothes in the laundry room and went to him. He pushed a chair out from the table with his foot and she sat, facing him.
"I just met with a debt counselor," he said. "I'm sorry, baby. It looks like we're at the end of the line. It's not good news."
"What?" she asked in a frightened breath.
"What we knew, but just couldn't face. We can't pay the bills. We're probably going to have to file for bankruptcy."
Tears gathered in her eyes in spite of her wish to stay calm. Her tears were more for his situation than hers; she knew how this would make him feel around the guys. "Oh, Billy. Just tell me what he said."
"Well, he said you were incredible, for one thing." He smiled a small smile. "He doesn't know how you managed for so long. The bottom line looked the same when he added and subtracted as it did when I ran the numbers. There isn't enough income to cover everything. And on top of that, even when you did manage to pay a little something on all the bills, there wasn't anything left. Not anything."
She pursed her lips. "Are we going to lose the house?" she asked in a whisper.
"I don't think so," he said. "The two things that can't be touched are the house and the pension, such as it is. Jules, I'm sorry. This is my fault. If I'd done this sooner, maybe—"
"Stop it," she said, reaching for his hand. "I was in charge of bills—I could've gone to some debt counselor. I thought we had."
"No, we went to the bank. Twice. And twice they fixed us up with more loans to pay the bills we couldn't afford to pay in the first place."
"When is this going to happen?"
"I don't know," he said, shaking his head. "He said we're not there yet, but it looks like that could happen soon. We have to go back. We have to fill out a little paperwork, meet with him together, and he'll get in touch with all the creditors to see if they want to offer us any kind of compromise. He generally doesn't do that unless it's almost too late. He said usually if he can see a way we can budget, scrimp a little and make it, he can help us set up a payment schedule that will get us out of trouble. But we're way past that. At this point, he either strikes some deals with everyone we owe, or we file. It's that simple."
"And then?"
"We live on cash. We'll be able to keep up with necessities, like food and clothes, the kids' stuff. But it'll take seven years to recover our credit rating."
"Seven years," she repeated. "That's not forever…."
"It's gonna seem like it. Both our cars are ready to fall apart, and there's no way to get a new car loan. It's not going to be easy." He grabbed her hand and held it in both of his. "At least we're done paying bills…."
"What do you mean?"
"He's got everything," he said with a shrug. "He pulled a couple hundred bucks out of his drawer—a hundred for me, a hundred for you. You have to buy food the rest of the week, I have to put twenty-five in the grocery fund at the firehouse and I'll keep gas in the cars, then he'll duke us again until this is resolved. We'll have to give it back, of course—as soon as this gets settled he'll take it out of our bills. Right now what he needs is for us to each fill out this form. Then we go back on Thursday. You have to be real careful on the form, Jules—you can't forget anything."
"What kind of form?"
"Costs. Expenses. You do the household list—everything from food and clothes to incidentals, like snacks and drinks for Jeffy's team. Everything—co-pays for the doctor and pharmacy, field trips, anything. And on your list, don't put down the cheapest you can get by. He says he can't do much with that—you've been getting by so cheap, there's no room to cut anything. You write down your usual expenditures at the regular price. Real food—no cereal for dinner. You don't have to buy filets, but write up a reasonable list. Then if you manage to save money, you'll have a little extra to roll over to the next month. Can you do that in two days?"
"Sure," she said. "It's not going to be easy. I'm not sure I even know everything. I'm always scrounging a couple of bucks here, a couple there—"
"Put McDonald's twice a month on your list," he said. "I'm sick of my kids being told no to everything. It's all they hear—no. When they do get something, it comes from my mom or yours." He ran a hand through his hair. "God, I let you down, Jules. I always told you it was going to be all right. You must have wanted to hit me in the head with a brick!"
Tears began to roll down her cheeks. She hated seeing him like this. It was easier struggling and juggling, being furious with him for his damn optimism, than to look at his eyes right now, filled with regret and shame.
"It's still going to be all right," she said, "because we're in this together. Right?" He didn't say anything and with a hiccup of emotion, she said, "We're still in this together, aren't we, Billy?"
He pulled her hand into his again and kissed the palm. "I made an appointment for a vasectomy a week from Friday. You have to come with me to the doctor—sign off. I'll get a local. I can drive myself."
"You're not going to drive yourself. God."
He was quiet for a second. Then he said, "If we ever get out of this mess, I swear to God I'll never let anything like this happen to you again, Jules. I let you down. I let the kids down." He wiped at an eye.
"Will you stop this!" she said loudly, standing. "You have to stop it! Now!"
"I'm sorry," he said softly, his beautiful eyebrows furrowed.
"Billy, people do this all the time—our families aren't going to let us starve, for God's sake! Movie stars and professional athletes are filing for bankruptcy every day! It makes headlines and they get through it! Beth said a surgeon she knew filed for bankruptcy and stayed in his mansion of a house, operated every day just like usual!"
"Yeah, I know, but I thought if I could just work a little harder, make it a little longer…."
"Right now I don't care about anything, except that you straighten your back and take it like a man!" she said loudly. "If this is how it is, it is. What we have in this family has never been about money!"
He stared at her a long moment and very quietly, very sadly, said, "And that's for goddamn sure."