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himself as an abuser. But he turned our family life into an endless road trip with bad directions and a rage-clenched driver, a vacation that never got a chance to be fun. Don'd make me turn this car around. Please, really, turn it around.
I don'd think my father's issue was with my mother in particular. He just didn'd like women. He thought they were stupid, inconsequential, irritating. That dumb bitch. It was his favorite phrase for any woman who annoyed him: a fellow motorist, a waitress, our grade school teachers, none of whom he ever actually met, parent-teacher conferences stinking of the female realm as they did. I still remember when Geraldine Ferraro was named the 1984 vice presidential candidate, us all watching it on the news before dinner. My mother, my tiny, sweet mom, put her hand on the back of Go's head and said, Well, I think it's wonderful. And my dad flipped the TV off and said, It's a joke. You know it's a goddamn joke. Like watching a monkey ride a bike.
It took another five years before my mother finally decided she was done. I came home from school one day and my father was gone. He was there in the morning and gone by the afternoon. My mom sat us down at the dining table and announced, "Your father and I have decided it would be best for everyone if we live apart," and Go burst into tears and said, "Good, I hate you both!" and then, instead of running to her room like the script called for, she went to my mom and hugged her.
So my father went away and my thin, pained mother got fat and happy – fairly fat and extremely happy – as if she were supposed to be that way all along: a deflated balloon taking in air. Within a year, she'd morphed into the busy, warm, cheerful lady she'd be till she died, and her sister said things like "Thank God the old Maureen is back," as if the woman who raised us was an imposter.
As for my father, for years I spoke to him on the phone about once a month, the conversations polite and newsy, a recital of things that happened. The only question my father ever asked about Amy was "How is Amy?," which was not meant to elicit any answer beyond "She's fine." He remained stubbornly distant even as he faded into dementia in his sixties. If you"re always early, you"re never late. My dad's mantra, and that included the onset of Alzheimer's – a slow decline into a sudden, steep drop that forced us to move our independent, misogynistic father to a giant home that stank of chicken broth and piss, where he'd be surrounded by women helping him at all times. Ha.
My dad had limitations. That's what my good-hearted mom always told us. He had limitations, but he meant no harm. It was kind of her to say, but he did do harm. I doubt my sister will ever marry: If she's sad or upset or angry, she needs to be alone – she fears a man dismissing her womanly tears. I'm just as bad. The good stuff in me I got from my mom. I can joke, I can laugh, I can tease, I can celebrate and support and praise – I can operate in sunlight, basically – but I can'd deal with angry or tearful women. I feel my father's rage rise up in me in the ugliest way. Amy could tell you about that. She would definitely tell you, if she were here.
I watched Rand and Marybeth for a moment before they saw me. I wondered how furious they'd be with me. I had committed an unforgivable act, not phoning them for so long. Because of my cowardice, my in-laws would always have that night of tennis lodged in their imagination: the warm evening, the lazy yellow balls bumping along the court, the squeak of tennis shoes, the average Thursday night they'd spent while their daughter was disappeared.
"Nick," Rand Elliott said, spotting me. He took three big strides toward me, and as I braced myself for a punch, he hugged me desperately hard.
"How are you holding up?" he whispered into my neck, and began rocking. Finally, he gave a high-pitched gulp, a swallowed sob, and gripped me by the arms. "We"re going to find Amy, Nick. It can'd go any other way. Believe that, okay?" Rand Elliott held me in his blue stare for a few more seconds, then broke up again – three girlish gasps burst from him like hiccups – and Marybeth moved into the huddle, buried her face in her husband's armpit.
When we parted, she looked up at me with giant stunned eyes. "It's just a – just a goddamn nightmare," she said. "How are you, Nick?"
When Marybeth asked How are you, it wasn'd a courtesy, it was an existential question. She studied my face, and I was sure she was studying me, and would continue to note my every thought and action. The Elliotts believed that every trait should be considered, judged, categorized. It all means something, it can all be used. Mom, Dad, Baby, they were three advanced people with three advanced degrees in psychology – they thought more before nine a.m. than most people thought all month. I remember once declining cherry pie at dinner, and Rand cocked his head and said, "Ahh! Iconoclast. Disdains the easy, symbolic patriotism." And when I tried to laugh it off and said, well, I didn'd like cherry cobbler either, Marybeth touched Rand's arm: "Because of the divorce. All those comfort foods, the desserts a family eats together, those are just bad memories for Nick."
It was silly but incredibly sweet, these people spending so much energy trying to figure me out. The answer: I don'd like cherries.
By eleven-thirty, the station was a rolling boil of noise. Phones were ringing, people were yelling across the room. A woman whose name I never caught, whom I registered only as a chattering bobblehead of hair, suddenly made her presence known at my side. I had no idea how long she'd been there: "… and the main point of this, Nick, is just to get people looking for Amy and knowing she has a family who loves her and wants her back. This will be very controlled. Nick, you will need to – Nick?"
"Yep."
"People will want to hear a quick statement from her husband."
From across the room, Go was darting toward me. She'd dropped me at the station, then run by The Bar to take care of bar things for thirty minutes, and now she was back, acting like she'd abandoned me for a week, zigzagging between desks, ignoring the young officer who'd clearly been assigned to usher her in, neatly, in a hushed, dignified manner.
"Okay so far?" Go said, squeezing me with one arm, the dude hug. The Dunne kids don'd perform hugs well. Go's thumb landed on my right nipple. "I wish Mom was here," she whispered, which was what I'd been thinking. "No news?" she asked when she pulled away.
"Nothing, fucking nothing—"
"You look like you feel awful."
"I feel like fucking shit." I was about to say what an idiot I was, not listening to her about the booze.
"I would have finished the bottle, too." She patted my back.
"It's almost time," the PR woman said, again appearing magically.