c4

My parents have always worried that I'd take Amy too personally – they always tell me not to read too much into her. And yet I can'd fail to notice that whenever I screw something up, Amy does it right: When I finally quit violin at age twelve, Amy was revealed as a prodigy in the next book. ("Sheesh, violin can be hard work, but hard work is the only way to get better!") When I blew off the junior tennis championship at age sixteen to do a beach weekend with friends, Amy recommitted to the game. ("Sheesh, I know it's fun to spend time with friends, but I'd be letting myself and everyone else down if I didn'd show up for the tournament.") This used to drive me mad, but after I went off to Harvard (and Amy correctly chose my parents" alma mater), I decided it was all too ridiculous to think about. That my parents, two child psychologists, chose this particular public form of passive-aggressiveness toward their child was not just fucked up but also stupid and weird and kind of hilarious. So be it.
The book party was as schizophrenic as the book – at Bluenight, off Union Square, one of those shadowy salons with wingback chairs and art deco mirrors that are supposed to make you feel like a Bright Young Thing. Gin martinis wobbling on trays lofted by waiters with rictus smiles. Greedy journalists with knowing smirks and hollow legs, getting the free buzz before they go somewhere better.
My parents circulate the room hand in hand – their love story is always part of the Amazing Amy story: husband and wife in mutual creative labor for a quarter century. Soul mates. They really call themselves that, which makes sense, because I guess they are. I can vouch for it, having studied them, little lonely only child, for many years. They have no harsh edges with each other, no spiny conflicts, they ride through life like conjoined jellyfish – expanding and contracting instinctively, filling each other's spaces liquidly. Making it look easy, the soul-mate thing. People say children from broken homes have it hard, but the children of charmed marriages have their own particular challenges.
Naturally, I have to sit on some velvety banquette in the corner of the room, out of the noise, so I can give a few interviews to a sad handful of kid interns who"ve gotten stuck with the "grab a quote" assignment from their editors.
How does it feel to see Amy finally married to Andy? Because you"re not married, right?
Question asked by:
a) a sheepish, bug-eyed kid balancing a notebook on top of his messenger bag
b) an overdressed, sleek-haired young thing with fuck-me stilettos
c) an eager, tattooed rockabilly girl who seemed way more interested in Amy than one would guess a tattooed rockabilly girl would be
d) all of the above
Answer: D
Me: "Oh, I'm thrilled for Amy and Andy, I wish them the best. Ha, ha."
My answers to all the other questions, in no particular order:
"Some parts of Amy are inspired by me, and some are just fiction."
"I'm happily single right now, no Able Andy in my life!"
"No, I don'd think Amy oversimplifies the male-female dynamic."
"No, I wouldn'd say Amy is dated; I think the series is a classic."
"Yes, I am single. No Able Andy in my life right now."
"Why is Amy amazing and Andy's just able? Well, don'd you know a lot of powerful, fabulous women who settle for regular guys, Average Joes and Able Andys? No, just kidding, don'd write that."
"Yes, I am single."
"Yes, my parents are definitely soul mates."
"Yes, I would like that for myself one day."
"Yep, single, motherfucker."
Same questions over and over, and me trying to pretend they"re thought-provoking. And them trying to pretend they"re thought-provoking. Thank God for the open bar.
Then no one else wants to talk to me – that fast – and the PR girl pretends it's a good thing: Now you can get back to your party! I wriggle back into the (small) crowd, where my parents are in full hosting mode, their faces flushed – Rand with his toothy prehistoric-monster-fish smile, Marybeth with her chickeny, cheerful head bobs, their hands intertwined, making each other laugh, enjoying each other, thrilled with each other – and I think, I am so fucking lonely.
I go home and cry for a while. I am almost thirty-two. That's not old, especially not in New York, but fact is, it's been years since I even really liked someone. So how likely is it I'll meet someone I love, much less someone I love enough to marry? I'm tired of not knowing who I'll be with, or if I'll be with anyone.
I have many friends who are married – not many who are happily married, but many married friends. The few happy ones are like my parents: They"re baffled by my singleness. A smart, pretty, nice girl like me, a girl with so many interests and enthusiasms, a cool job, a loving family. And let's say it: money. They knit their eyebrows and pretend to think of men they can set me up with, but we all know there's no one left, no one good left, and I know that they secretly think there's something wrong with me, something hidden away that makes me unsatisfiable, unsatisfying.
The ones who are not soul-mated – the ones who have settled – are even more dismissive of my singleness: It's not that hard to find someone to marry, they say. No relationship is perfect, they say – they, who make do with dutiful sex and gassy bedtime rituals, who settle for TV as conversation, who believe that husbandly capitulation – yes, honey, okay, honey – is the same as concord. He's doing what you tell him to do because he doesn'd care enough to argue, I think. Your petty demands simply make him feel superior, or resentful, and someday he will fuck his pretty, young coworker who asks nothing of him, and you will actually be shocked. Give me a man with a little fight in him, a man who calls me on my bullshit. (But who also kind of likes my bullshit.) And yet: Don'd land me in one of those relationships where we"re always pecking at each other, disguising insults as jokes, rolling our eyes and "playfully" scrapping in front of our friends, hoping to lure them to our side of an argument they could not care less about. Those awful if only relationships: This marriage would be great if only … and you sense the if only list is a lot longer than either of them realizes.
So I know I am right not to settle, but it doesn'd make me feel better as my friends pair off and I stay home on Friday night with a bottle of wine and make myself an extravagant meal and tell myself, This is perfect, as if I'm the one dating me. As I go to endless rounds of parties and bar nights, perfumed and sprayed and hopeful, rotating myself around the room like some dubious dessert. I go on dates with men who are nice and good-looking and smart – perfect-on-paper men who make me feel like I'm in a foreign land, trying to explain myself, trying to make myself known. Because isn'd that the point of every relationship: to be known by someone else, to be understood? He gets me. She gets me. Isn'd that the simple magic phrase?
So you suffer through the night with the perfect-on-paper man – the stutter of jokes misunderstood, the witty remarks lobbed and missed. Or maybe he understands that you"ve made a witty remark but, unsure of what to do with it, he holds it in his hand like some bit of conversational phlegm he will wipe away later. You spend another hour trying to find each other, to recognise each other, and you drink a little too much and try a little too hard. And you go home to a cold bed and think, That was fine. And your life is a long line of fine.
And then you run into Nick Dunne on Seventh Avenue as you"re buying diced cantaloupe, and pow, you are known, you are recognised, the both of you. You both find the exact same things worth remembering. (Just one olive, though). You have the same rhythm. Click. You just know each other. All of a sudden you see reading in bed and waffles on Sunday and laughing at nothing and his mouth on yours. And it's so far beyond fine that you know you can never go back to fine. That fast. You think: Oh, here is the rest of my life. It's finally arrived.